Can't Really Say Yes, Can't Really Say No

I need to stab something, particularly a werewolf who WON'T F*CKING TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean really, is it that hard to just send a message or something saying, 'hey can't talk, I'm busy,' or some simple little piece of SOMETHING?! Is it, really? Because I seem to have no trouble with it at all. He tells me that I'm the only one who thinks I'm being ignored just because he hasn't answered me for OVER A GOD DAMNED WEEK, when THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU STUPID SHIT, the thought never crossed my mind until you F*CKING PUT IT OUT THERE!!

I never thought you where ignoring me, Jake, I know you don't, you're not like that. I'm just pissed because you keep telling me one thing and then you do something stupid that completely contradicts it later. You don't answer me when I really need you to, I needed you, and you didn't answer, it was like I didn't even exist to you. I am... So... So f*cking depressed, so stupidly sad and so idiotically and pathetically lonely because I was terrified, and I couldn't reach you, and yet you always tell me you never want me to get hurt, and then you go and do this, and I was so scared, and it was like you didn't even hear me at all...

I'm not perfect. I'm only human. Yet, for some reason, no one seems to remember that recently. Everyone thinks I'm the only thing keeping some semblance of the world sane, and I have enough on my shoulders without having to carry everything else. I don't need this kind of pressure. I've broken down twice this semester because of it, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I keep this up. I don't want to break. I want to be allowed to make my own mistakes without having people breathing down my neck, I want to be able to go out and experience the world and show people that hey, guess what, I actually DO have a brain, and I do know how to use it, despite what you may think. Just because one area suffers doesn't mean everything else does.

For all the people that rely on me, I want to finally be able to rely on someone else. I don't want to have to constantly call just one person, it's not fair to them, I know this from personal experience. I love her for everything she's done, for dealing with all the things we've put each other through, for accepting me for being a imperfect human being. I can never repay her enough for that, and some days, I'm not sure she understands just how much she means to me, how much everything she does and is means to me.

I don't want to be always be okay when I'm not okay, I want to be not okay for once and I want to scream and shout and speak my mind and not have to worry about what it will do to the relationships around me. I want to be able to tell my Dad to f*ck off, let me screw up on my own, stop breathing down my neck, stop giving me your constant excuses of 'I do this because I care,' do you have any idea how hard it's getting for me to believe it? I want to tell Danielle to shut her f*cking mouth up about my brother, because for all his imperfections, her own son is a thousand times worse, and at least my Dad TRIES, thank you very much. It's not his fault that stupid shorties an ass wipe who thinks the world is his play ground. I want to be able to tell my mother that she needs to shut up about my Dad because she hasn't been around for the last few years, she hasn't seen the changes, she hasn't seen how much he's grown and how the man that he's become is so much better then what he used to be, and I'm so proud to call him my father, even if there are days where I really wouldn't mind putting a bullet through his head. I want to tell that stupid good-for-nothing step-father of mine that no, he's not invited to my graduation, because I don't want him there and he can't tell me he really cares because after all the shit that bastard has pulled, he can't fool me. I hate him, I want him to jump off a bridge so my mom can stop being stupid and can find someone who will really do her good. I want to tell my mom that she needs to stop looking at my brother for a while and realize that I've been trying to make an effort, but I can't do everything on my own, and you're doing nothing to help just because I can't stand the rat you live with and I don't want to live with you because there are things my father knows about me that you never could because you stopped listening to long ago to ever hear any of it.

I want to be allowed to be human. When that chance comes, can someone please quietly knock on my door and tell me it's okay to take the stitches off my mouth now?

La la la la laaaaa~~~~~

Oh, wait. I'm typing here, aren't I? Shit.

Um... *waves meekly* Hi?

-cricket cricket cricket-

Oh fine, BE that way!

I've lost my mind~.
You haven't found it have you?

No, I didn't think so.

Umumumumumumumumumumumumumummmmmmmmmmmmm...
Damn.

I have no idea what to write. Like, I'm at a loss for words. I could always rant of course, but that gets really old, really fast.

Gah... Uh... In English I managed to get a B on a test without having to actually take it? Mental breakdown, not a pretty sight. Doesn't happen often, thankfully.

About what? Oh, well, life. How much of a disappointment I am to my Dad, how much shit's going on, how science is a bitch and I'm losing my grip on things... Typical mental-breakdown things. Nothing special. *shrugs*

Yeah, really. I'm kinda lost at what to say... I'm working on an SS thingy, and I'm kinda-sorta chattin' it up with on of my favorite authors...

Hellooo? Anybody out there?

...


Okay.

Oh! I know!

I'm in love with Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. He is WONDERFUL. He doesn't fail at life, either. :)

Andandandandandandandandandandandand and......... I hate the phrase "F my life." It bugs me. Can't stand it, and won't ever say it. Absolute nonsense.

I'm done now. I think.

....

Bye~!

So, yeah, it's been a while... Long, long while actually. I have realized something in my time away from LJ. My family/most friends are all RETARDS. -whack whack whack- I mean, just... Ugh!! Have these people really lost THAT many braincells from whatever pointless and stupidly suicidal thing they've been doing for goodness knows how long? ASSHATS MUCH!!! [And I've found out what this means!! w00t~, go me!]

Also, I've come to find that Horatio is totally gay for Hamlet, and is pissed because his Hammy has been fooling around with Laertes/Yorick/Ophelia instead of sexing him up as he rightfully should be. And maybe this is my inner fangirl speaking, but I can TOTALLY see the love triangle. I blame the author of Teacher's Pet (WHO REALLY NEEDS TO FREAKIN' UPDATE HER SHIT!!) for giving me the ability to think of Shakespeare's characters in situations such as this, whether she intended to do it or not. Damn you, woman!!

So, yeah, what else is new... Hm... I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I totally dig scars. Like, turn on wise. It's kinda weird, actually. Oo Cause I have scars of my own (self inflicted, because I can't stop picking at pimples on my face/shoulders and others just because I grew up around BOYS and shitlikethat) and I don't really mind them all that much, and I kinda think it'd be nifty to trace them with mah fingah's... -shrug- Meh.

MEN ARE FOOLS!!

This is not enough to express my true irritation with them, but dammit, to bad. One of mah buds is ignoring me because he said something that really pissed me off and I got in his face about it and then he was all casual about it and wasn't really taking me seriously and shit so now he's barely saying more then one word to me whenever we talk (which is unfortuantley only over text) so I'm ready to just smach him and be done with it. -_- Cause really? Just cause I think you're walking sex doesn't mean that you're THAT freakin important, b*tch. Get the f*ck over yourself and move on with life, jeezus. Don't like the way I do things, then don't bother with it. Gah...

That last part wasn't really to him, it's just frustration leaking out. Cause I mean, if something makes me upset (not mad or anything, but like if I think something is going bad or I just get this weird vibe from someone/thing) then I avoid it like the plague for a while until I calm down or societ decides it wants to right itself again and stop being a douche. It's always been that way with me, a natural reaction anything. I think it started with my 'rents divorce, cause I didn't go see my mom for about three months because for a while I had hated both her AND her b*tch of a husband, so now I do that a lot. I did it with a couple of my ex's too. Things got to akward or I was upset with them or a friend, so I avoided them like the plague.

Two of them never commented on it, they just let things be and eventually we where able to get back on even grounds (though one of them is an ass and needs to be shot in the head so there). But Chris, from a couple years ago, called me on it. And it took some spine, but I explained to him that I just needed time to get used to him again. As in, things where WAY beyond awkward, so I needed my space, and he gave it to me even though he didn't really like it, but he understood and was willing to cooperate. So I avoided him for a couple weeks, and he didn't push, so after that I was able to be around him again without screwing something up cause I'm an idiot like that.

It makes me wonder just how well some of my friends really know me sometimes, when I think about things like that. Or even just quirks to my personality. Like with my Dad, I'll just randomly be thinking something and blurt out a question that came out of no where, and sometimes he'll give me a weird look, but he'll answer me anyway. Or other days, I'll just say a word, like 'issue' or something, and he'll get that I'm trying to tell him that I have an issue and I want to talk to him about it. I tried that on my mom earlier today, and she didn't get it. I actually had to say, "hey I have to talk to you," instead of just the short thing. And maybe I'm making a deal out of nothing, but kinda makes me sad. Cause there's like, three people in the world who understand that part of me, and everyone else is just like, WTF, where'd that come from, you know? -sigh- I dunno, whatever.

I WANT TO SHOOT THE ANNOYING F*CKING ASIAN!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, JUST GO JUST TOPSIDE YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT!!!!

So, you know how there's just those one or two people who DON'T GET THE PICTURE, or think that they're to important to respect someone? I know two people like that. A third just doesn't know when to quit. But these first two... OMGAWD, someone give me a shot gun, because I need to line them up and use them for target practice. My aim's a bit rusty, but the more pain the better off my sanity will be. I told that little shit to SHUT the HELL up, FOUR DAMNED TIMES!!! And he continues talking, and tries to f*cking challenge my authority? I about beat that f*ckers face in. The only reason I didn't was because, one, he's not worth the time nor the energy nor the drama that would come with it. Second, because Mr. Katz had Belinda (the current Anime Prex who needs to die right now because she just lets them walk all over her) stop the violence before I commited the act that would have likely got me banned from my club. I'm sorry, but shits like that need to just get kicked out.

And you know what really pisses me off? Belinda didn't do SHIT to him. Even when he continually disrespected HER, she still didn't do anything. Oh, she was annoyed with him, but did she kick him out of the meeting? No. So I talked to the VP and had her tell Bells that it would be in her best interest to use the three strike system. It doesn't kick people out of the club permantley, just the next couple meetings. Maybe THEN people would get it. Yes, maybe I was seriously a bitch to anime club, but they never f*cking kept talking when I was trying to say something because they either respected my authority or just didn't want to deal with my temper. Whatever it was, they shut up when I was talking. >_> I really can't stand that Belinda is the president because they don't respect her. I don't think she's ever realized just WHY I was such a bitch to everyone when I had the power to actually be the bitch, but I'm thinking that she's S.L.O.W.L.Y. starting to get it. Which is good, cause I'm tired of dealing with people. And the other kid is just... Oh my gawd. Are you really that stupid? I mean, honestly? Because that's the only way you're saying half the shit you say to me.

And something else that pisses me off about these types of people. Last week, I was at tech and these stupid freshman kept f*cking everything up, so when they FINALLY got called away (and I was riding the edge of my temper as it was, cause I'd somehow managed not to seriously scream like I normally do) I was about to get to work, right? And this kid walks up, asks if I want some help. And I'm like, "NO, I do NOT want help, Thomas and I can do it just FINE, thank you VERY much." And he tells me I'm not an nice person, that I shouldn't be a bitch. And I'm like "EXCUSE me? Are you STUPID? DO I not look stressed out enough as it is because you f*cking people have NO idea what the hell you're doing, and you want to come over here and call me a b*tch and try to tell me how not to act? I could f*Cking KILL you, and there wouldn't be a god damn thing you could do about it. Don't tell ME not to be a bitch, you little shit!!" And he then he tells me that No, I couldn't do anything to him, because his Dad's a cop and I'd get put in jail. And I just give him this LOOK, and say, very calmly, "Just because your dads a cop doesn't mean I can't kill you. It's illegal, and I'm not SUPPOSED to, but that doesn't mean I can't do it." And the little shit tries to fight me about it, and Thomas just tells him, Dude, she WILL kill you if you don't go away.

So the little f*cker just tries to fight Thomas about it before finally walking away. And I ask Thomas, "You've got to be kidding me, he tried to ARGUE with me about what I couldn't and could do, was a disrespectful little MAGGOT, and tries to start shit with me just because he thinks I'm a bitch? Are you f*cking KIDDING me?!" And Thomas just answers, Yeah, he did, and he's stupid because he obviously doesn't get that you're stressed enough as it is and is stupid because he doesn't know when to back off.

This is why I love Thomas. Yes, I may use him as a punching bag sometimes, but he knows his shit. I salute you, Tommy Boy. You deserve all five of those gold stars.

Ah... I feel better. Now I gotta get my net to cooperate with me so I can get this posted. xD Silly computer. -pet pet, coo coo-

And Happy Early Birthday to you, Kali-sama!! ^^ <3

Well, damn and blast. Life''s just... Shit, I don't even know what to say. I kind of want to hit something and I kind of want to strangle all the fools in the world for trying to be my bestest buddie. Go die in a ditch somwhere far away from me. Go jump Topside, go jump cliff-side, just get the hell away and leave me alone. People, people people, do the world a favor and kill all the stupid ones so they never again try to breed. Don't just castrate them, because then we'll still have to live with them, and I'm not so sure I could survive it.

Why do I have to be nice and forgiving to the bitch after what she's gone and done to me? What about what she hasn't done? Oh, Oh, I love you, you're my daughter, I want you to be happy, I want us to have a connection, mother and daughter. Bull shit. Silky liar. Whore. Light her up, light up all of 'em just so I can watch it burn. I ask I ask I ask, I try I try I try, but no. Since she realized she can never have me the way she has Mikey, I'm not as important anymore. Why should I be? He worships the ground she walks on, he can get away with so much shit now that he's not here, he never has to grow up in his little world of never-there-land. But he can play a grown up all he wants, and then when he's home, still play the big boy and gets to have cookies before bed like all good little boys do.

He's half right, my sire. I'm angry with my mother, but not because of what she did to me and mine so long ago, no I'm done with that hate. Now it's different, now when I try to bridge the gap and she doesn't care, now I get mad and want her head. Well fuck her. My concerts aren't all the same. A four hour car ride to see those who are close to me, liar of a whore to call them close to her, no, nothings worth it. So no more invitations. Let the hate brew, let it simer and boil over until there's nothing left to mend the broken pieces of a rocky relationship with my mother. The bitch can scream and get sad all she wants, why should I care. I don't want her at my graduation/I hope she suffers.

Bitch bitch bitch, that's all people can do now. No such thing as forgive and forget, just remember, carry the pain, and work with life until it destroys you if you can't learn to stand on your own two feet. Never forgive, never forget, just get over it and move on with this life because the world doesn't stop spinning just because you want it to.

We are the hollow men, we are the suffed men--

Words words words words. Diction, written language, chaos that forms the human thoughts. Love and lace and friendship and companionship and longing and want and need and friends and people and connections and all the bad things in a world. Lies lies lies and truth, family so filled to the brim that no ones sure what's happening anymore, never see the twists and turns to watch what happens to the girl who lived through it all and watched her family be torn and shattered, why should they care now when they've never cared before?

The girls gone, all that's left is the woman and her cold, cold rage. Beware the spider who spins the tangled web. Beware the fair-haired lady when she walks in a gown soaked with lies and half-truths.

The day is coming when the last shred of sanity won't be here anymore to help the mending.

And what will happen when it all begins to burn then?

No one to put the fire out.

Should have listend then.

Now what to do?

Nothing.

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Grawr... Remind me to smack the shit out of my parents the next chance I get, peoples. I get taken to a resort with only ONE f*cking computer, no internet access otherwise, and because it's a resort computer, I can't save anything lest I risk the chance of it being deleted or stolen. Oooh, funfun for all. Ugh. Dammit dammit dammit. I'm gonna have to wait 'til I get home to actually work on anything now, which really, really sucks. Gyah!! *sigh* IF you're reading this, Kali-sama, uber uber apologies!! >< My 'rents are wackos...

Geez... One thing I've never liked about family vacations, is that I never have anyone to hang out with, and I end up staying in the room the entire time. BOOORRING. But at least I got out some today. Walked around the Ocean Walk, went to some stores, then finally got to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Good movie, kinda missing some stuff, kinda adding some stuff, but it's all good. Draco's such a damned pansy. xD It's funny. But I <3's him none-the-less.

Mrowr... And now I'M talking to Ame!!! ^^ *glompage* love love love love love love love. Boomerang is Epic~! And I'm feeling kinda random now... This post is kinda short, but I don't really have much to say today. NO conflicting emotions...

Okay, that's complete and utter shit and I KNOW it. Ugh...

IT sucks, because you know, I can't tell my Dad how the hell I really feel because of his delicate sensibilities, and it pisses me off, because I WANT to tell him, but I guess not... Just one more year, and then I'm gone. I wasn't looking forwards to leaving before, hell, it terrified me, but now, ya know... Honestly, I can't wait for it. I wanna get out so I can finally tell people what the f*ck I think and not have to worry about hurting the last real life-line that my Dad has. Because that's a lot of pressure to put on someone, ya know? *sigh*

And thus, the end of another day.

Anyone interested in a Harry Potter role-play, by chance?

So, like, yeah. Shits, yo. Gah, I've been getting into poetry/song-writing again. Galaxies, stars, such things as that. It's... Kind of odd. In a weird way, and I have no idea why I'm getting into it again, all I know is that I am. Lots of things have kinda come and gone, so I'm doing my part and I'm just going to go with the flow. My past created who I am, but it's my future that calls my attention, and so that is what attention I will give. Not so much out of spite, but out of understanding that some things just can't be fixed. There's different kinds of friends, and sometimes, things aren't always what we want them to be. See, the problem with me is that I never really argue with my good friends, and when things go bad, they go BAD. This isn't the first time, and I know the results. Things ended there the same way, sort-of. And things that are better left in the past will stay in the past, because drudgiong them up will do no one any good.

That's sort of out of my system now, at least. There's talk of setting me up from my friends, and I guess that sounds okay, I'm not gonna be for it or against it, because it seems as it it could go either way, so I'm just gonna leave things as it. If it works out, yippe, if not, then hey, no worries here, cause that just gives me reasons to look else where or enjoy being single. I'm not normally one for love topics, as it seems foreign to me, despite how much I've read, but reading and living things are two very different things. Meh.

But as I said, galaxies, stars, cages and bars... Jungle gyms with so many nooks and crannies, some only those with true exploring skills can find. Senior trips that won't come, being told I'm going to my senior prom when I have no intention of doing so. The air force is calling, the fires are burning, and saving lives is what I'll do for a living. I live and breathe independently, and it's hard for me to someone to find someone who I can look at equally, though there is one out there. Heh, it's fun, because we've got so much junk on each other we could never actually go after each other. I need some inspiration though... Hm...

Temp:

Reaching across the galaxies, extending the hands of God and seeing into the space that serves as his domain. Immeasurable, the beauty of the light that shines around them, the gases giving them their ethereal glow that can be seen for millions and billions of light years away. There is no way to measure the amount of them, as they can never be seen all at once. They form shapes in the darkness that are called constellations, acting as navigators for sailors carrying their golden treasures along the sea.

Right, so... Damn, kinda at a loss here. I'm packing for Tennessee, gonna be there for two weeks, spend some time with Gran, Bre, and half-evil step-brother Steven, who I will be flying back with on the 29th of July. I've got my school scheduale, got all the classes I wanted, yay yay... Rawrg!!!

I'm anxious, and it's f*cking with me, because while I know WHY I'm anxious, I don't really have a reason to be. I mean, shit, yeah, it's been a few years since I've been on a plane, but still... I guess it's because of the recent accidents I've heard about. There was a plane crash a few weeks ago, and there was only like, one surviver... A newborn baby, I think. Weird, ain't it? And then recently, there was a hole in one plane, and they had to have an emergancy landing, and I'm praying to God that nothing happens, because this is really scary...

F*ckShit. Shitshitshitshitshit. F*ck ME.

Ugh, I don't know whats with me. I mean, I was fine last night, though the 'not-a-date-SERIOUSLY-stop-SAYING-that' movie thing with Jake last night was fun, I even managed to drag him into the photo booth and snag some pictures. Heh, and then things got really cheesey cause I gave him a hemp neckalce that I'd made... He liked it, I think, which is really good. ^^ I missed him, it was good to see him again after so long. I kept worrying that things might get weird, but Jakes a really easy guy to relax around, so everything works. ^^ We saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen... Dude, that was the SHIZTNIT!! Long ass movie, but damn, that was cool.

Ah, I'm feeling a bit better now though, which is good... And talking to a semi-annoying person to boot. Oooh, someone I get to take my temper out on. Fun fun! Later, peeps!

BWAHAHAHA.

...

Right~. xD Okay, no freaking idea where THAT came from, but whatevs. I find I should be worried/concerned, but I can't help but be amused. Very strange, but I'm giggling with a maniacle sort of glee right now. XP Ah, I love it~. Heheh, it's fun knowing that I can still bug some people, even when they supposedly can't stand me, and that applies to EVERYONE I piss off. Fischer was the worst of the bunch, but she's really the only one that I've ever come close to getting violent with. Damn, and I'd so been looking forward to that...

Ah, whatever. I'm enjoying myself, really. Anyone who says I'm nice must REALLY not know me well, cause I'm one evil, b*tchy mother f*cker. It's so entertaining. xD Ah, I think I'm finally going insane. Fun fun~.

"On another note, there are three people/ex-friends I want to laugh at, because I'm spiteful that way. HAHA. All three of them are miserable now, and that makes me smile."

Well, that's a kick in the imaginary balls. The real problem is that I can't be sure if it's directed at me or not, and the shitty part is that I don't want to find out. I'm not gonna be stupidly optomistic and think that if Sets and I start talking again everything is gonna be okay. I know it won't be, as that is the way that Scorpio's are, and while I am an Aries, I'm not a stupid one.  Wroning anyone is the ultimate bull-shit (and I'm forever going to feel like the worlds largest bag of shit for what I did) and wronging a Scorpio, who never forgets anything, is the shittiest thing to do, cause Lord bloody know that even if you DO make up, they'll still get back at you one day for it.

Agh... What really, really sucks, is that all this damned tension with me and Sets could have been avoided. If I had gotten my head out of my ass and just f*cking done all my shit it wouldn't have even happened. Plus, our communication skills just kinda went to the shit. Not even because of odd silences or whatever, I mean damn, it never really bothered me because to me, if I'm close enough to someone that even if our conversations drift off and we don't talk for a bit, it's okay. It's like a level of trust with me, cause there's NO ONE I can do that with. Not even my cousin, and I thought Ame knew me better then anyone (not anymore, as it is, but still). I mean shit, even with Stephie, I the silence isn't there, (mostly because she has ADD, but still). But, like an ass, I never explained it to her. I just disagreed with her when she commented on it.

Ugh, I hate this. She told me once that long friendships never lasted with her, that there always ended up being some huge fight over something and she and whoever else would just forget about each other. What's stupid about this is is that I always told her we'd last, I mean shit, we've NEVER had a fight. I don't even think the last time we talked counted as one, really, but that may just be my take on things. The only time she may have been angry at me was one day when she was on and I messaged her, but she was really pissed and started saying that I was just like the others and everything, that it was just superficial. And maybe this is my being optomistic, but I wasn't offended, because I could tell she was pissed off, and I knew how to handle it, because we've role-played so much together, and Takao/Alex WAS a Scorpio, and Taka/Tempst had more of my characteristics then I was willing to admit, so I knew how he f*cked up and I knew what to do. So I gave her time, I let her cool off before I started saying anything to her again, I just told her, okay, you're mad, I'll give you your space. And an hour later, we were talking again, and by another 30 minutes, everything was great.

I used that philosophy when our conversations started going south the last two months that we where talking, but the situations where different, and it was never like she was mad, she just wanted to talk it out and eventually got frustrated with me because I always disappeared by that time, because I KNEW what was coming, and it scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to lose it, but by alienating myself from her, I only made it worse. What kind of f*cked up shit it that, huh? And when I finally DID tell her that I wanted to talk it out, and I'd had every intention of doing so... I still f*cking ran. What kind of friend does that make me? I mean shit, can I screw up anymore royally? She didn't deserve that. I broke my word, and I'm never gonna forgive myself for that. I doubt she'll forgive me for it either, and it's just as well.

Damn, those last two sentences sounded f*cking pathetic, didn't they? That wasn't supposed to happen. Oh well. There's still more to our story, to. Before things got bad those last couple months, when I was having trouble with my grades and everything, I started disappearing early, and it wasn't like I was trying to avoid her, nothing like that at all. The problem with me is, I can't sit at the computer for hours at a time. Not to say that I won't be ON it for hours at a time, that's different. But I get up every now and then to stretch my legs, do some of my self-rpcosplay shit, you know?

When I still had my net in the room, it was no big deal, you know? I could leave my computer on, still walk around, all that, and not have to tell her, "Oh, brb" or "I gotta go" or whatever it was I said to her. I was still IN MY ROOM. I was away from everyone (being my family) so it worked. But then my net got taken away, and I had to start using the computer out in the living room, and I could never eave my shit open when I walked away to stretch or just disappear for a bit because by the time I came back out, one of my brothers would f*cking take over the damn computer and I'd get b*tched at if I said something. So I just told her I'd talk to her later, that I had to take off. I never actually told her what was going on. And knowing Sets, she'd have probably understood. I mean shit, she was the first and ONLY person who knew about my self-rpcosplay thing at the time. And she GOT it. I told her I was worried about it, and she still understood.

I screwed things up with her big time. I mean, honestly, I think we would have eventually grown apart, it happens. But it shouldn't have happened this way. It should have lasted until I graduated, and then when I went off to the Air Force, we'd have drifted, most likely. But when I came back, was able to communicate with the outside world again, things would have been okay between us. We'd have still been okay friends, someone to talk to every now and then, and who knows? Maybe things would have gone back to normal. But even if they hadn't, there wouldn't have been this tension. We'd be on GOOD TERMS. Not this.

I've said it a few times, "you know what really sucks, the worst part is," throughout this thing. But there's one thing that tops them all, in everything.

The fact that I can't really tell if she's talking about me.

( More to this self-bashing, if you care to read... )

Ho my GAWD, this shits funny as hell. xD None of it's true though! It was some letter thing from Facebook, and I was inspired... Can't stop laughing. xD Read it, I dare you.

Dear Stephie,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent, our romance is over, the mafia wants you, and you’re a leprechaun. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me with George Bush and Stephen Harper and I saw you carve your initials into my boyfriend and my kneecaps. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that I’m allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I love your sweet, sweet lips and that I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon .
Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Anna

Okay, so, like, I promise I'm not a total loser at this, I swear to all that is Holy in this freaky as asshat (the F*CK does that shit mean, anyway? xD) place we all like to call home.

...

And that has to have possibly been one of my most f*cked up introductions in the history of... forever. Bleh.

Ehehehe... ^^() Hey peoples! What's up? I know you're supposed to technically use this shit for like, blog purposes or just getting shit out of the way and all that like an action (the f*ck, it's supposed to say ACTUAL) JOURNAL but I don’t really care at the moment. If anything, I think this is just gonna be the place that I write all my inconstant non-sense in, because it'll get all these damned plot bunnies outta my head if I do.

See, like, when I READ something, say a fanfic, or a book, or some shit like that, I tend to wanna actually act out what I think will happen next even though I KNOW that's not what's going to happen next, and I'm just a freak like that, cause Lord knows it's probably not normal for someone to want to cosplay/role-play by themselves while talking out loud, as that makes people think I'm insane, which I may just happen to be, or my brain may just be dong this as some sort of defense mechanism, though I don't really think that's an issue and this is turning into one long ass sentence, and NO, I don't have ADHD or ADD, I swear it.
So yeah. That's what this is. I don't really know what else I can say to that... I mean, is it really weird that I do shit like that? Yes, yes it is.

... Dammit, I lost it. Don't ask, you'll just get confused. I mean, cause really I'm not even sure I'm going to use it all that much, cause the main reason I made this was cause I kinda wanted to post some stuff in some communities that I saw that I was interested in cause I'm a yaoi-fangirl hoo-SHAW and all that stuff, so yeah... No idea what's wrong with me today. I should be doing science shit right now, but I'm not, and I'm likely gonna get my ass chewed when my rents get home but oh well they can sue me for all the work I don't really do.

See, the reason I'm not sure if this is going to last long is because of my messed up attention span. I like doing physical things that don't involve to much attention because then I lose focus and things never get done that way,  and I've noticed that when people start to expect things out of me, I never get it done. I think it's my version of rebellion, because I'm usually one to do what my rents tell me to, though I don't know why, cause I’m not the typical teenager. I'm serious, it's really weird. I've never done drugs, I like living, thank you VERY much, I can't stand the taste of any sort of alcohol, and I don't smoke because the shit reeks and it rots your teeth out and I've got one freaky ass sense of humor, and people for some reason think it's okay to rely on me, and I don't mind it, really, besides the fact that sometimes I think I'm mentally unstable, and WOW, I can't believe I'm actually putting all this shit out on the table right now.

No, seriously, this is really weird, because I'm not one to normally do stuff like this. I think all of... Two people know just how weird I really am, so you guys are getting the brunt of it. Shit, I hope I'm not scaring you people off. Apologies then, as I don't think I'm going to do this all the time, unless you're real weirdos and are into this kinda thing, in which case then I think YOUR the ones who need some help and not me. I'm normally much calmer then this... *sigh*

Okay, so... Ugh. Now that I'm trying to rein it in, I don't really know what else I can say...

...

Hello?

*cricket cricket cricket*

what the f*cks an ASSHAT?! xD